Just a heads-up, this post is about miscarriage. It’s not graphic, but may still be upsetting if it’s something that’s affected you.
Today should have been my due date. February has been a particularly hard month. On the 11th I visited a friend who happens to be pregnant, and we went to a sale of baby goods. She & her husband & toddler walked around while I drank tea and tried very hard not to cry when a woman with newborn twins sat down at my table. I’m working on finishing up a course that I thought I would be putting off for a year, as I had already started thinking about maternity leave (I’m not thrilled with one of my jobs right now, and was selfishly looking forward to it). On the first day, I spent the whole lunch break crying in the toilet. I have an acquaintance who is due to have a baby in 2 days. While I genuinely think I’ve dealt with the emotions of miscarriage well, clearly my skin is still thin and little things can rub it raw again. There have been lots of flashbacks this month: remembering when I told R by passing him a book of baby names; when I was in Brighton and fully embraced the pregnancy and made wishes for the baby on the beach; when I saw the first dark wet flush of blood; when I literally keeled over in the doctor’s office; when I was finally able to eat again after the vomiting when it finished and the horror of even thinking about cleaning the bathroom. Remembering walking around like a zombie, with no interest in eating or seeing anyone. But then, the last months have been okay. I don’t think about it every day. I have been busy and grateful for everything I’ve needed to do. I have come to terms with it and can talk about it without dissolving into tears. I think it’s as much as can be expected, really. Today, though, I am remembering, because it’s not something I really want to forget.
In honor of our loss, and the loss that others have experienced, we’ve made a donation to Tommy’s. Tommy’s is a charity that funds research into miscarriage and other pregnancy problems. They also run clinics to help women who are at high risk of miscarriage, premature birth, and stillbirth. One of them is right next to one of my workplaces, so I guess it really hit home for me. I also found a great deal of comfort looking at their website after our miscarriage. It is sensitive, but fact-based, which is a rare find when you search for information about miscarriage.
You can donate to Tommy’s here if you feel so inclined.
My other posts about miscarriage are here.