For me, one of the most upsetting things during/after the miscarriage was people telling me I would probably have another chance to have a baby; I was young, blah, blah, blah. I just didn’t want to hear it. The truth is that there was no way to know whether I could get pregnant again, or whether I could cope with the stress of being pregnant after a miscarriage. I just found it such an insensitive thing to say, even if people did have the best of intentions. And now that I am pregnant? While I am really happy to have another chance to have a child, I will say that the first trimester was absolutely awful. I don’t mean physically, though I may mention that in another post. I mean I basically spent the first few months trying really hard to forget I was pregnant. Last time I rushed out & bought a journal and started thinking about baby names and looking at cute baby things, but I just couldn’t do that again. I made my midwife appointments, etc, but only as a matter of rote, like things you do for a job that you don’t really want. I obligingly took my prenatal vitamins; I stopped eating salami (sob!); I stopped drinking completely, rather than having the occasional G&T. I also obsessively looked at toilet paper every time I went to the bathroom, convinced there was going to be blood on it.
And then, quite early on, at 5ish weeks, there was. And there is no terror like it. We had to wait a week for a scan, because nothing’s really visible that early on. There it was, a tiny little heart beating, floating away in the womb. It should have made me feel better, right? But it didn’t. There was about an hour of relief, then 6 weeks of conviction that it had stopped, and that I would find out at the 12 week scan that I’d had a missed miscarriage. Fortunately that didn’t happen, but honestly, those 6 weeks were absolute hell. I think I cried every day.
So how did I cope in the end? There were a few practical things that helped me. I can’t promise they’ll help you if you end up in the same position, but I thought I would share just in case.
- Scheduling in treats for myself
For whatever reason, this timeframe ended up coinciding with lots of annual leave. This could really have gone either way, but not thinking about work actually helped in the end. I did make sure no days off were completely empty, though. I tried to go out for lunch, or go for a nice trip somewhere, or go to a gig, etc. I also tried to do a bit of gardening, but as I was at the allotment the day the miscarriage started, that didn’t work out so well. Visiting gardens was good, though.
- Reading peer-reviewed articles about ultrasounds & miscarriage
What can I say? I like to be informed. Reading Internet forums was awfully anxiety-inducing, but for some reason reading about miscarriage in a factual way was actually calming for me. I think this is very much to do with how I was brought up, and I am aware that this is probably not the case for everyone! Because I work in a hospital library and in an academic library, I was lucky to be able to access this kind of information pretty easily, but I think most public libraries will have at least a couple of textbooks available. Abstracts for journal articles are often available from PubMed, even if the full text isn’t, and there is also the database Free Medical Journals.
- Joining the Miscarriage Association forum
Having said how anxious Internet forums make me, I would like to point out the exception to the rule. The Miscarriage Association hosts private, moderated forums. We had decided not to share the news about the pregnancy, and I joined this forum in the interest of my mental health. I really needed to share my feelings somewhere, and this forum felt like a safe space. Everyone was very sensitive (perhaps not surprising, given we’d all experienced miscarriage). If you’re considering joining, I would recommend it. You don’t have to share if you don’t want to, but personally, I found even reading other people’s posts made me feel less lonely (which, aside from anxiety, is what I felt the most during the first trimester).
- Talking to family (and one or two friends)
Eventually, I did tell my mom, sister, and a couple of close friends about the pregnancy as the 12 week scan approached. Telling others and having a chance to talk about what I was feeling definitely helped. I couldn’t bring myself to be excited about the pregnancy, but letting other people be excited for me was definitely a good thing.
- Setting boundaries – making it clear to others when I didn’t want to talk about it
This was really important, too, both in regard to R and the people I chose to tell early. Because while talking can help sometimes, it can also go too far sometimes. There were a lot of times I really didn’t want to think about it, let alone talk about it. Making sure people understood that was crucial. Everyone was really good about this, and let me bring up the pregnancy rather than asking me about it directly, and I think that’s because I made it fairly clear that’s how I wanted it to be.
- Telling the midwife about my concerns
I have a lovely midwife, and it was great to know that she was there to support me as and when I needed it. She gave me some practical ideas for local support, too. In the end, I didn’t follow up on that advice, but it was important to know the options, especially with all my family being so far away.