Feel free to skip this if you aren’t interested in meditations on childbirth!
When I was pregnant with Mabel, I spent almost no time thinking about birth (until I reached 30-something weeks and got obsessed with reading birth stories). I don’t have the same luxury this time around, unfortunately. It feels less scary this time, but I would still prefer to relax and wait to see what happens without lots of discussion about what-ifs and planning.
I didn’t share Mabel’s full birth story on here, but the very abbreviated version is that I had a very quick emergency Caesarean following an induction. It was all handled extraordinarily well. The doctor was brilliant and she explained what was happening between contractions and even complimented my Harry Potter slippers on the way to the delivery suite. I didn’t and don’t feel traumatized by it at all, though there is part of me that regrets agreeing to the induction – could I have avoided a C section if I had just waited it out? But there were some weird things going on that it was hard to pinpoint the cause of (and some of the potential causes were quite scary), and on balance I know it was the right thing to do given the information available to me at the time.
Nonetheless, I do wish I hadn’t needed one. I didn’t like the anesthetic and the recovery, though it went well, was still quite painful. And if I’m really, really honest, sometimes I feel like I cheated and didn’t really give birth (even though I know it’s not true and that it would never, ever occur to me about another mum who had a Caesarean). But there you go. Feelings are stupid things sometimes, aren’t they? The other effect is that for my second pregnancy I am under the care of a consultant rather than midwives. This won’t be massively different, as far as I can tell (though I’m getting extra scans due to the complications mentioned above), but it does mean that I’ve already had to have conversations with healthcare professionals about what kind of birth I want, i.e. another C-section or a VBAC. To their credit, they’ve been very clear that I don’t need to make my decision yet and that I can change my mind. But frankly, it is too soon for this. I don’t want to be comparing potential outcomes of the two options; I’d rather be enjoying my bump. I’ve always taken the view that, while birth is amazing, it is also in many ways the least significant part of becoming a mother, and my experience with Mabel hasn’t disproved that. I guess I am nervous that thinking about birth too much will make me panic and ruin not just the actual birth (if I don’t get what I decide I want) but also the pregnancy and the very early days with the baby.
I guess what I’m saying is, birth is complicated and given that I am not prepared to think about living with another baby yet, it is hardly surprising that I am also not prepared to think about it yet (even if it is a less scary prospect this time). And yet here I am, writing a blog post titled “Thoughts on birth”. Hm. What a hypocrite I am. Anyway, if you have found yourself in a similar situation, I would love to hear from you! I can’t be the only person who didn’t want to have a really detailed birth plan, can I?